Validation for Parents: How, Why, and When to Use It
Over the past 10-15 years, the idea of validation has gone from a niche psychology term to mainstream. I see it in parenting blogs, across social media, on Love Island USA… As a child psychologist, I’m genuinely glad validation is having its moment – it is one of the most powerful tools parents can use to support their child’s social and emotional development. But, like any concept that goes viral, its meaning can start to become vague or misused over time.
This article breaks down what validation looks like in everyday parenting – why it matters, how to do it, and what to do when it feels tough to use.
What Is Validation?
Validation means communicating to your child that their internal experience (usually the emotions they are feeling) makes sense. It’s not the same as agreement, indulgence, or approval. It’s simply letting your child know:
- I see what you’re feeling
- You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling
- It makes sense that you feel this way
- You’re not alone in this tough moment
How to Validate: A Step-by-Step Approach
If you’re wondering how to validate your child’s emotions, DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) offers a helpful roadmap: the six levels of validation. You don’t have to use them all every time, and no level is “better” than another. Each level offers a different way to connect depending on what your child needs in the moment.
Level 1 – Pay Attention: Show your child that you’re fully present by putting away distractions, making eye contact, and using a calm, attentive posture.
“I’m listening. I’m here.”
Level 2 – Reflect Back: Repeat or summarize what your said to show you’re tracking their experience without trying to fix or minimize it.
“You’re nervous about going to gymnastics because you don’t know anyone there.”
Level 3: Mind Reading: Use what you know about your child to name emotions they may not be expressing clearly.
“I wonder if part of why you don’t want to go is that you’re worried you’ll make a mistake.”
Level 4: Understand Based on History or Context: Explain why what they’re feeling makes sense in this moment or based on their past experience.
“It makes sense you’re feeling anxious. Trying something new is hard for you, especially when you don’t know what to expect.”
Level 5: Normalize: Indicate that their emotional reaction is human and shared – others would feel the same way.
“Lots of kids feel nervous before starting something new. It’s really common, even for adults.”
Level 6: Show Equality and Respect: Here you are treating your child like another person who’s having a tough experience, and you’re meeting them there with honesty, humility, and warmth. There’s no script here – it’s about responding in a way that feels authentic to you.
“That feeling can feel really yucky.”
“I felt the exact same way before I joined my new book club.”
You might move through several of these levels quickly in a single conversation, or just use one or two in a tough moment. Over time, your child learns that emotions aren’t dangerous or shameful, but rather something that can be felt, named, and worked through.
How to Validate the Valid
One reason validation feels tricky is that we confuse validating the emotion with validating the behavior or belief attached to it.
- You can validate their fear without confirming that the scary thing will actually happen.
- Validating the valid: “It can feel really spooky when it’s dark and you can’t see what’s around you. Your brain can start imagining all kinds of scary stuff, and that makes it hard to feel safe.” AND,
- Invalidating the invalid: “There are no monsters hiding under your bed. Your room is safe.”
- You can validate a child’s frustration without validating their choice to yell or throw something.
- Validate the valid: “You’re frustrated that your sister knocked over your tower. You worked really hard on it.” AND,
- Invalidate the invalid: “It’s not ok to scream or throw things.”
- You can validate their disappointment without agreeing that the situation was “unfair.”
- Validate the valid: “It’s disappointing when things don’t go the way we want. It can feel unfair when you don’t get something you wanted really badly.” AND
- Invalidate the invalid: “That doesn’t always mean someone made a bad choice. Sometimes, things just don’t go our way, even if we tried our best.”
Why Validation Works
Validation is powerful because it:
- Reduces emotional activation. Research shows that validation helps calm the physiological responses that often accompany strong emotions (e.g., increased heart rate, sweat response; Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011).
- Opens the door to regulation. Once a child’s emotional activation has calmed, they’re better able to listen, communicate, and engage in problem-solving and reflection.
- Builds connection. It says, “I’m with you, even when you’re upset.”
- Helps kids trust their feelings. They learn that emotions are important signals, not problems to be erased or ignored.
Why It’s Hard to Validate
“But their reaction is too much.”
Many parents tell me it feels strange to validate what seems like an over-reaction and express concerns that validating a big reaction might send the wrong message. However, what actually tends to escalate emotions is invalidation. When children (and adults!) feel they aren’t being heard, they often turn the volume up (getting louder, more upset, or more resistant).
“I told them this would happen!”
When your child is upset about something you tried to prevent, it can be tempting to go into “I-told-you-so” mode or jump straight to the lesson. Even if the outcome was predictable, the feelings are still real. Validate the emotion until there is a noticeable shift in your child’s emotion level, then move towards guidance and change once they are able to receive it.
“But they’re just wrong.”
Sometimes your child’s inaccurate beliefs are leading to strong emotion. This can sound like “no one likes me” or expressing concern about a catastrophic blizzard when you live in Georgia. It can be tempting to jump in quickly to correct these inaccurate thoughts, but doing that too soon can backfire. When kids feel like their parent dismisses or downplays a threat that feels very real to them, they may believe their feelings aren’t being taken seriously. This can lead them to hold those worries inside instead of sharing, which often causes their anxiety to escalate into bigger emotions or behaviors.
The Bottom Line: Validate First, Guide Second
Validation doesn’t mean giving up your authority, your perspective, or your boundaries. It means leading with acceptance until your child is regulated enough to take a step toward change.
Once the emotional wave has passed, that’s when you can set limits, clarify expectations, problem solve, and coach new behavior.
Validation is one of the most powerful tools parents have. It doesn’t always fix the problem, but it creates the emotional safety that allows your child to grow.
Caroline Swetlitz, PhD, Postdoctoral Fellow, Anxiety Specialists of Atlanta. Dr. Swetlitz She specializes in the treatment of anxiety disorders in children, adolescents and young adults using evidence-based techniques grounded in CBT, DBT-C, and PCIT. Dr. Swetlitz also provides parent behavioral management training to address disruptive behaviors in children. She especially enjoys collaborating closely with parents/caregivers and leveraging the parent-child relationship to support progress towards treatment goals.
